James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
You Might Also Like
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
The biggest mystery of our time