If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.