Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties