Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
You Might Also Like
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper