Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
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I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Had to try this trend 😊
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.