I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching: