Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
bad
worse
worst
worchester
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof