Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
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Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?