Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME