SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
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Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
love it when they get my name right
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.