*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
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This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer