12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.