Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
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somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?