I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.