Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
You Might Also Like
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Happy weekend !
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going