Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
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Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Never mess with a drunken pig.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.