I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
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*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess