12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
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Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.