It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
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The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.