Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
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When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME