You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I鈥檓 just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Yup!
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn鈥檛 text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macram茅 plant hanger.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 馃槈
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
If I were God I鈥檇 tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don鈥檛 know what happened after that.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police