[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
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Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]