STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
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If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing