me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
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Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.