If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
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inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
the last thing a carrot sees
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”