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BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
🤣🤣🤣
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Saturday
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that