[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
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You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”