I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
You Might Also Like
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire