To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
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6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why