It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.