Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Peace was never an option
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume