[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
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Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Yup!
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Breaking news:
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?