How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
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How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.