Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
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[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I love it all
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?