You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
You Might Also Like
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?