Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater