I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
got so much cardio in today
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!