Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
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Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I support this random dude and all his protests
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”