Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
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When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I’m sorry…what?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT