A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
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Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.