Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it