My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.