If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
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Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Yes my dude