Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
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My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Friday night party time 🥳
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”