My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
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Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84