Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
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Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Well, that should do it
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I want what they have
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.