Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.