If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
This kid is a star!
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin