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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
God has abandoned us.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir