God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me